My Life Now I'm Medication Free
10 November 2019
09:20
If you had met me 2 years ago, you
would have met a calm, funny, outgoing person who was lying to herself about
how she was. Someone who would go home and just sit for hours on end
binging Netflix, who had no social outing planned because she felt like she
either wasn't really wanted there or just couldn't be bothered to go. Someone
who had a husband and loved him, but rarely showed affection because she had so
many drugs in her system, she couldn't feel her emotions. Someone who was a
shadow of who she was before the medication.
I
used to take 3 pain medications for the pain, 2 for anxiety and depression, 1
for symptom control and 2 for sleep. This was how I functioned for 5 years. 5
years of being a shadow and feeling disconnected from myself and numb.
It wasn't
until I found out I was pregnant that things changed. I wasn't allowed my medication;
it would harm the baby. So, I made the decision to stop all my drugs at once.
Everything. Not a recommended way to do it but that's what I chose. It felt
like I'd been hit by a bus, everything I'd been controlling medicinally came
hurling back. I was in pain. I was sad. I was anxious. I barely left the house
for the first 4 months, but what I didn't notice because of all the shit, was
that I was slowly became myself again. No longer a shadow of myself but
actually someone who could laugh, cry and feel.
Over
the last few days I've hit a rough patch. Life has hit me in unexpected ways that
I wasn't prepared for and it triggered a massive anxiety episode, something I
haven't had to experience for 2 years. Yes, I had had some small anxieties
about everyday things but nothing to actually trigger an episode or bout of
anxiety that has made me feel paralysed like this.
It
has taken this to make me realise that the way I feel when I'm anxious now,
medication free, is so intense because I'm actually feeling it. Before, a panic
attack made me feel sick and dizzy, the drugs numbed the rest but also made me
not able to rationalise my emotions. Now, anxiety makes me feel like I'm full of
bee's, the nervous energy makes me feel sick and like I need to run 100 miles
but my mind is clear and I can talk myself into a state of acceptance and
understanding.
I
talked to my husband about how I've been feeling. He has been there when I'm on
so many drugs I could barely function and he has been here during my time
getting off them and he is with me now, during this difficult time. He said
this to me after I said I didn't want to go back on my medications during this
rough patch;
"You
are only so scared by your anxiety now because you actually feel like a
person."
That
really hit home. Over the last 2 years, I have become a person again. I like
going and seeing my friends and connecting socially, I like taking my child to
the park and going outside, I like the gym now instead of finding it intense, I
cry at sad films and books, I have a sex drive and can't leave my husband
alone! I have become a person, and am no longer the shadow that my medicines
made me.
If
you met me now, you'd meet a friendly, loving, sometimes eccentric individual
who is likely to be nervously tapping her foot due to anxiety but you know
what, there is no fakeness now. That's just who I am.
*if
you have any mental health issues or feel like you’re are overwhelmed, please
go to a doctor to talk about them. Just because something has worked for me,
doesn't mean it will work for you.
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