It's My Birthday!

17th May 2019

To those who are no longer with me, 

Today is my birthday. I am now twenty-four and while there are people out there in the world, people I grew up with, people who are younger than me, who have families already, I sit here, in my room alone, relaxing after yesterday’s ordeal disguised as my legal systems and skills exam, and I am happy. I am okay with not having my own family or even a significant other in my life. That is okay. So, I’m doing things out of order, not that there really should even be an order to live. It is okay to get your degree after twenty-five, it is okay to get married after thirty. A couple of years ago I would have surely cried at the thought of being twenty-four and alone and only just finishing my first year of University.

When I was ten, I had this whole ideology of how I thought my life was going to go, at that age I’m sure we all did. In my head I had it all planned out. I would go to secondary school, meet a guy, maybe a classmate, maybe not, who would be my boyfriend and we would be together for the rest of secondary school, through college and we would last throughout university as well. We would both graduate with top grades in our degrees and by twenty-two I would be married. By twenty-three I would have my first child. I didn’t want to be an old mum. Part of me still doesn’t want that, but I know now that it is okay if I am. I’ve just never wanted my children to be in a similar position to the one I feel I am in now. I’m twenty-four, no sign of a love life yet. My parents are both fifty-seven this year, neither of them have the best track history with their health and some days I find myself genuinely terrified that one or both of them will never see me walk down the aisle, or meet their grandchildren and just the thought of that right now makes me tear up, so you can only imagine how I feel when that thought slides into my mind at midnight, just as I am settling down. Honestly it is so rude. 

I consider myself lucky that I was able to know a few of my great grandparents, by my children, they might know one and that is a real shame.

This has taken a real turn for the morbid, I was trying to tell you that I am okay with where my life is right now, and I am, but just like you, I am entitled to my dips, so what if they happen more often than not. It’s my birthday, I can be morbid if I want to. This really is all over the place and I won’t even apologise for it, but, birthday’s do not excite me anymore, they really don’t. I’m at that age where I want useful things as presents not another form of Harry Potter memorabilia (Morgan!), I have enough clutter in my life without that, thanks. I know I will still receive it, as he explained to me last month, he will always buy me the silly gifts. I’m not sure whether to laugh or cry at the knowledge that there will always be unnecessary clutter in my life, no matter how hard I try to get rid of it.

Anyway, it’s my birthday today, I am twenty-four, and I no longer rate birthday’s in general anymore. Time for me to climb into my sock draw and sleep for days.

So, that is what you’ve missed.
Love, always
Tiffany Jade
Xo.