Ghostin'

18th June 2019

To those who are no longer with me, 

I have been ghosted, many, many times and I have just found an open letter to someone who ghosted me and I thought I would share it with you. I'm under no illusion that I am the only person in the world to ever have to deal with this. I just think it should be talked about more, because personally, being ghosted is one of the lowest forms of behaviour and I am well aware that women do it too, I don't condone it then either. 

Honestly, it baffles me how anyone can ever think that just disappearing is better than just talking about it. Anyway, on to the letter. 

04/09/17

To the guy who just ghosted me, 

Why? Tell me why? Why did you act like everything was okay, when clearly now it wasn't? Why did you ask me on a date, then offer to pay when I declined because I couldn't afford to, only to never actually go through with it? Why were you planning movie marathons, and taking notes on things to buy me if it was never going to get that far?

Why did you think blocking me on every social media platform, sometime during the night before our date, which you instigated, was a better option than just talking?

Why did you give me hope, that maybe this time would be different, maybe this time it will lead somewhere?

The only place it led was to me crying into my pillow after reaching for my phone to see how you were. The previous day you said you were unwell. I was just trying to check to see if you were okay, and, I couldn't. 

I was excited. I told my girlfriends about you; they were happy for me. Now they just want your head. 

I want to know what part of your brain thinks silence is better than words. Trust me, it is not. I now crave an explanation. I need to know who is at fault. Was it you? Did you get scared? Was it me? Was is something I said?

I am going to forever think it is my fault because I will never know anything else. I will never get the reasoning I so rightly deserve. I swear off me and vow to adopt casts and for weeks, for weeks I will catch my reflection in a mirror and ask myself 'What is wrong with me?' 

My heart was not open and it was not yours but somehow you have wounded it. 

How is that fair? 

Do you suffer with guilt? Do you feel remorse, or will you just go about your lie like I don't exist? Is that easy for you? I wish it was that easy for me. 

For months now I will never be good enough for anyone. I will not believe any compliments I receive, because, well, there has to be something wrong with me. There has to be, for you to approach me, to ask me out, to talk to me every day, to seem genuinely interested and then to just vanish, like a ghost. 

Like I said before, this is not the first time I have been ghosted and I'm certain it won't be my last, but this is the time that resonates with me the most however, you see, things are different now. Two years later and I now know that when this inevitably happens again, oh don't be like that, you and I both know it's going to happen again, but when it does, I know it won't be my fault. It will never be my fault; it will be the fault of the person who decides to run rather than to talk. Talking will always be best, and plus, I love to talk. 

So, that is what you've missed. 

Love, always 

Tiffany Jade 

Xo.